evil mell’s blog

today i went out with xanne, damm tired, i was in school until 3++, then i rushed home and bathe. the amazing thing about bathing is that i only took 10 minutes to wash my hair and my body[of course] which i usually take about 30 minutes to 45 minutes. then we went to bali lane to see dolfies, it's so fun, the owner, alice is a nice person, she is also funny!!!

after that we went to eat dinner at sake sushi, which we spend about 2-3 hours there talking and eating, we started laughing so loudly at the store that almost everyone looked at us, well, what can i say, it's xanne; the hyper one[oh, just for today] then we wanted to eat at some other shop of deserts but there was alot of people so we went to eat creep!!!!

oh! it's was heavenly tasty!!! i felt that i was in heaven!! then we went to kinokunya and xanne and pan was like so into BL, i don't really like it, but i am still ok with it [judging from the storyline] yeah......

eat creep...... [very random]

I know this will not remain forever
However it's beautiful
Your eyes,hands and you warm smile
They're my treasure
It's hard to forget
I wish there was a solution
Don't spend your time in confusion
I will turn back now and spread

My broken wings still strong enough to cross the ocean with
My broken wings How far should i go drifting in the wind
Higher and higher in the light
My broken wings still strong enough to cross the ocean with
My broken wings How far should i go drifting in the wind
Across the sky,just keep on flying

keisoku no dekinai itami to keisoku no dekinai jikan no narega
subete wo umete shimaou toshitemo
soredemo watashi ni wa kanjirareru
sora kara ochitekuru no wa
sora kara ochitekuru no wa ame de wa nakute

Did i ever chain you down to my heart
'Cause i was never afraid of you ?
No,I couldn't hold you any longer
Love is not a toy
Let go of me now
The time we spend is perpetual
Our future is not real
I'll leap into the air

My broken wings still strong enough to cross the ocean with
My broken wings How far should i go drifting in the wind
Higher and higher in the light
My broken wings still strong enough to cross the ocean with
My broken wings How far should i go drifting in the wind
Across the sky,just keep on flying

sora kara ochitekuru no wa are wa ame de wa nakute

this is a song that has never failed to inspire me time to time, be it happy or sad this song is always by my side......

i console myself with this song [i know that it is very emo], look esp at the chorus, my boken wings.....

the sentences that formed the song has a lot of meaning in it, each time when i am down, i listen to it endless time and console myself, this is how i face the darkest day of my life and also the the times when i am lonely......

song name: Broken wings [of course]

from: trinity blood  

i wonder, if i could make it even if i strive for the dream that i wanted; a person like me, a person who is unable to accept critisim from anyone...... i really wonder......

that particular aspect of my personality have made my freedom of choice, limited, or rather, less spacious than before. what am i doing now? am i doing the right stuff? i always think about questions before i ever reacted. this aspect of me sometimes had made me feel disappointed in myself, yet i didn't want to show it out, the real me......

everyone is afraid of something, be it supernatural or paranomal, humans or even everyday thing...... we will have a weak spot as a human, as a human, we will have one as there is another personality inside us, well make it 2, one devil, one angel...... both can only advice, it's still up to you that which one you choose to follow

balancing both is what i need to do as a libra, if my scales tip on either sides, there might be a different me created, a me that you never knew or saw. many find that it is not easy to balance it, but through meditating or relection on your every moves, there will be a chance for you to balance the scales, if only you want to...... 

whatever i do in this life, i wnat to be able to live and tell people proudly that i have done a certain stuff that people can't do or decided. this is the way i portrayed my life to be, my life will never wither as long as there is love between us, you and me.......

i have once said something that i don't even know that it was so meaningful until my BFF told me so

"friends can ditch you, ignore you; boyfriends/girlfriends can cheat on you, lie to you; husbands and wife sometimes betray you...... this shows that the bond between you and them can be broken so eaily, but the trust and bond you have for your sibling should never ever break as they are the once you can rely on, people who help you knowing that they will not get somwthing in return, people that love you for life"

trust is something that you can never buy or sell, trust is also something that you can lose as easily as one, two, three. i am doubtful, yet i trust you...... this sensation is a feeling that no one can ever explain in words to me. this is something really unexplainable, really......

ask yourself, do you trust the people around you? i confess that i have doubts in some people sometimes, but not all the time. Gaining trust in your friends is like having a level up in a game, this trust could to stripped of straight away once you lose the game. Hard to say, but gaining it back is so hard...... it was never easy......

In this game of life, friends are someone that helps you to level up and you help them level up. if you doubt them, they might be demoted to a lower rank......

I never doubt people who are very, very, very close to me. They are important to me, so am i important to them, because i know we are the pillaers of each other's life, besides out parents.

there are some people who are in this world who cannot accept who they are, if they think that's acting cool, i am teeling them straight in their face that they are not cool......

people do get jealous once in the while, but being jealous very often, beacuse of every thing isn't right. i really wonder why this people are like this? they are jealous of everything that you do, e.g they are jealous of you having more marks than them, jealous of you having more fun then them. well i don't give a fuck to these kind of people. Everyone arond her is afraid of her, listen AFRAID of her, but they still want to be her friend??? i really really REALLY wonder why? i don't need a friend that gives me constant fear, i seriously don't need them even i have no friends. the more i think, the more things get worst in my head. Rubini is with her cos she got a constant fear of her? but why???

i know that she has the power to take away all your friends, but that doesn't mean that you will lose me! things like that are really political. to sy the truth, i am only a sec 4 student, things are getting political, just because you wanted clive five tickets you do this...... i don't wanna say anymore

whoever i am talking bout, you are sure that you have a friend? cos this person here is ready to pity you anytime. you have no friends, you 'friends' are living in fear, not as a friend! if you are jealous, just say it out loud, people like you gets jealous easily so just say it, it's not that no one could not accept you if you go honest and tell them......

although i am sick and tired, i will never abandon you

although the whole world hates us, i will never leave you in a lurch

although i feel like crying myself, i will still lend you my shoulder

although i am going through psychological problems, i will still console you as a friend

i wonder why?

i wonder if people appreciate me?

i wonder if people cared for me?

i wonder how many return the love i gave them?

i wonder if they still remember me?

what if i am not me?

what if i no longer cared for you? will you be worried?

what if i changed and decided not to give care, love and concern to the people around me?

what if i am stuck in a ugly situation? will you pull me out without hesitation?

what if i am no longer here, by your side? will you be lonely?

no one

no one cares about me, i wonder why am i here in the first place? i wonder if my love, care and concern are just your toys or extra things? i wonder if i am able to fight on, even without a friend, a shoulder and the moral encouragement.

i really hate to say this, but i feel that i am just no one. i really feel like no one likes me, everyone just take advantage of me.......

i really hate my personalility......

being a human isn't easy, people judge you from your looks to every detail that you have. Even you have the best of all the best character, no one is gonna appreciate you, no one. people just take advantage of you no matter what kind of personality you have. a kind heart will only lead you to a heartache or heart break as your friends are susing you to do things. A popular person will end up with load and loads of hi-bye friends. you see, no one in this world is perfect, many out there just use you like a tool or a stepping stone in order to achieve their goals. i admit to all vox users and people who are reading this blog/post: i am not perfect, but i have never used anyone in my life just to achieve my goal or dreams.

i am going crazy. crazy to a point that it is enough to kill. people around me are either using me or hurting me. i used to think that i rather open my window and jump down than sufer this fate and route that i choose, but at the point that i was going to jump, i told myself that i have to stand firm on my grounds. if i just proclaimed 'dead' like this, isn't life reallly meaningless to me. At the end of the day, if i get hurt i will have no one beside me, cos all my friends are using me; i will have to deal the situation by myself.

Label me as 'emo kid' or whatever you want, this is my life, i live way i like, not the way you like. Although it will be painful but even i am alone, i will fight for the life that i want. I decided that people who want to mess with her life do not mess with my life, peole who want to get into trouble, don't get me into trouble. If the ought to find trouble for me, i will declare war with them. Be it 43 against one girl i will still fight. Be it the whole gang bashing me up, i will still never give up or surrender to them.

those people out there that are trying to mess with me,k they are senseless, childish, nothing better to do but make trouble to me and most of all lacking od common sense with animals have, well in short, no better than animals. [UN-HUH, are you feeling a little,just a little angry, upset or even feel like calling me a bitch? then i think you fall into the above catergory, i wan't talking bout you, i WAS TALKING IN GENERAL]   

the world is big, even in singapore, it's still big. i wonder why i sometimes get to meet assholes and bitches. worst of all people name them as 'friends', well in the end, you are the one getting hurt after all. Well, i don't suck up to poeple either, so i do not name bitches and assholes that are damm good at a certain area 'friends'. i wonder why Fina named her as 'friend', she tried to control her life, and fina was scared. i really wonder why. people are being leashed at the neck by their 'friends' and have their 'friends' to pave out their future, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MAN???? fina is afraid that she will lose her friends, i mean that is human nature, but i don't know why rubini is afriad of her? shouldn't rubini be at the same side with fina after all that we have experience? the competion? although i know her, but i was never afraid of her, well to be honest, i WAS never afraid of anyone, not a single friend. So what she is powerful in her english? So what she is popular? So what she have the whole class behind her back? So what she knows how to play the guitar and the drum? SO what she is domineering? HUH? SO WHAT? FREAKING ASS HOLE???? i bet she can't really sing,  i bet she can't really cook, i bet she isn't good at her mother tongue, i bet she have all her friends in fear of her instead of a friendship bond, i bet she can't laugh with so many friends beside her and i bet at the end, she will be alone.

THIS IS LIFE!!!!! FACE IT!!!!!!!! not all are perfect, like me. So you freaking asshole, you don't go around, trying to control fina's life. it's her's so she live the way she likes; i don't care she peirce till ther is no where to perice, but she IS still my friend!!!!!!! look behind, how many friends are going to be with you after you graduate from secondary, poly, uni???? if your answer is none, you better change your attitude towards your frinds and stop controlling their lives, maybe your answer will change after all.

TO FINA: don't be afraid of her, if you are afraid of your friends, they are not your friend! if you still do, that's mean that your mind is forcing you to be with someone that you don't even like! Although Rox is also a Domineering person[high D], never was i scared of her, in fact she gave me the sense of friendship and the happiness, i will remember her for life for the happy times she gave me and not the times that i was paranoid of her! So if you still want to label her as your friend, i have nothing and no rights to say anything. if you change your mind, you will have to stand firm and not just firm it's much more fimer than she do to let her know that you dislike her forcing you to do something that you don't like or controlling your life.

TO THE ASSHOLE THAT I HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT: please learnt to appreciate your friend.

I wonder why? i feel so emo out of the sudden

CONFESSION: i did not drink, i did not slash and well, my bangs wasn't down

maybe it's because i feel a little, just a little lonely......

i am sick, i am tired of things that are repeated daily, like i wake up at 5 am, do the usual things, reach school at 6.20 am and start doing HW that i can't finish the day be4...... or maybe it is the life without music makes my like turn dull. i am a music freak...... i love music, whenever i am sad, lonely or even wanting to open my window and jump down, i must have music..... well, this is me i guess. Many people do not know me, as a prefect, i need to have a firm stand, i am shy, i would say; i do not like poeple staring, glaring or even sneer at me. one thing i need most is my friends. Apart of my friends, i need my sister, she is the most wonderful sister i ever had [oh, i forgot..... i only have one sister] well unlike others who shut their sister out of their rooms, we have forged a strong bond between me and her, we are like BFF, Mothers, Fathers or even girlfriends i would say. she is important to me.

in life i feel that i have been hesitating in doing the right stuff, well, i have to be positive. whenever the end is near, i always fear. this is what i say most of the time.i don't know what i am afraid of i am just...... afraid......

i don't feel good with this stress...... i am taking the major exams and yet my class has still not in the right mood, i am not clever as i have mention in the previous post, i need to study more so that i can achieve my goals,monitor are not putting up a good act as a student leader in class, if i have to, i will have to tell, say, scold, shout at her, i wonder if that was my job, i just wanted to be able to study in class, but this inconsiderate people are not giving the freedom to others as they gave themselves the freedom to talk. i wonder if i will breakdown if i were to recieve a shitty piece of results at the end of the day...... even so, it's them that i pity for..... they are just a worthless bunch of kidss, they are not even being considerate, then why the goverment have to pay or invest 8 billions dallors just for this kind of people??????

i wonder......

i am damm damm damm tired today..... maybe it was last night's sleep. i didn't really sleep well, maybe it was the burn. well i can't really sleep...... well NVM forget it. well today's monday...... and i have monday blues i don't really study or listen in class on mondays as i will be just waiting for the time goes by. tell you a good news. my burn have healed in one day's time. Today i was on duty like i have to stay back in a room, well to study..... i was bored after studying so i borrowed a book from the library, well you may find this funny but i borrowed a book on loneliness, well my friends are shocked and i started to sing the lonely song. i usually hang out with my best of friends, well sad to say, sometimes i do feel lonely with my best friend. never underestimate the power of relationship, they can make you feel happy and high but they also can make you feel sad and lonely. Well sometimes when i am surrounded by friends, i do feel lonely, well i mean this is part of nature, but becareful, research have show and prove that if you are feeling very very very lonely, it might affect our immume system, feelings and emotions do affect our immune system. well that's it...... i have to go over to my aunt's place for dinner.....